The world left me behind in July last year. I crumbled and crashed like small little cookies pressed against each other in a backpack. Solitude took me. My tears drowned in depression and life fell apart.
I did not want my life as it was. Something was happenings. A rebirth and deprogramming. A going back home kinda journey. Five months later I had a Kundalini awakening and life changed.
A few months later I quit the social world and media.
Seclusion taught me new things. I learnt that my behaviour and patterns were nothing but a conditioning of my childhood, my culture and society at large. It taught me how my thinking was a series of old memories and experiences. It also taught me to focus on myself and rediscovering my identity. The expectations of others slipped out of my bones and washed away.
The seclusion taught me even though I am a woman and black woman for that matter, I was much more than my gender and my color. I am divine and I am more than my physicality. My subtle energy body gave me sensations and experiences that confirmed to me that I might be human but I am much more than what they said I am or should be.
I lost everything. I quit my job, I quit life, my body hurt like hell, my emotions burst open, my relationship ended and I was lost. I surrendered. I suddenly could not eat certain foods and months later I chose to live a fasting lifestyle. My childhood neglect and abandonment issues came to play. And play they did!!
Now, almost a year later I decided to get out of the “sunken place”. I started doing what I love, teaching. I decided to go back to school, I become domesticated and started enjoying house chores, I learnt that I don’t have to fight the battles of the world. I only have to be aware of the present moment, be love and peace, understand that I’m human and not perfect and therefore cultivate patience with myself and others.
The Self remains my biggest development theme. That’s where I need to put my focus. Heal my wounds, deprogramme myself and detach and set myself free from yokes of humanity, womanhood, self loathing, fear and materialism. I do not need validationand or acceptance through love or relationships or through education, appearance and trends.
I am however struggling to get back into the world. I see things differently and I am learning to allow it to transform as I transform. More than anything I am learning to accept what other people reflect to me with less judgement. I choose to stay in my center and dignity and forgive myself where I don’t meet my own divinity and that happens quite often. I am trying to be aware of my shitty self lol
I don’t know. I am in a good place.