Ohh boy! Those were the days!
I look back and wonder if it was necessary for me to be stuck in that place and I realize I couldn’t have found myself without being lost. If anything, I learnt to be patient with others still stuck in a quagmire of self-sabotage.
Energy moves and sometimes it moves so fast for one to actually understand how infectious it can be. I left social media because after a long period of joining and participating in every fight I was exhausted. I was tired! There was always something to be mad about! Always.
I was angry over things that did not even reflect my personal reality or immediate enviroment. I jumped into every damn issue that made me feel like I didn’t matter and ohh poor me! Victimhood was my speciality.
One day I realized I had neglected myself and every struggle I involved myself in took me further away from myself. The anger was my frustration since I was so unbalanced and not sure of how to find my way back home.
Being a victim is such a burden. It’s time consuming and painful. I quit social media, cut out friends and decided to focus on myself, my inner healing, maintaining loving kindness compassion towards myself and others. I began understanding I was a victim of my own self. I did not value my divinity enough that’s why I felt men hated me as a black woman or why I got stuck in race issues, body image/appearance and gender battles. Now, why would I pick that kinda energy and why would I put my worth in the hands of men leave alone the world? Why did I need to be loved and seen so desperately so that it drove me to anger? Simple. I neither loved nor saw myself with the eyes that God saw me with. I simply refused to see myself. It is easy to be sucked in and get wrapped up in dark energies of low self-esteem, huge battles of who suffers most and a long list of enemies imagined or otherwise.
I began the journey of healing and forgiving myself. I started choosing my battles that related to me and learned to change my outlook about everything. It doesn’t matter if men find me attractive or not, it doesn’t matter what color my skin is, it doesn’t matter how many books I have read or how much education I have acquired. I am divine by the virtue of being human and my worth can not be left in anyone’s hands but myself and God.
The way home is sacrificial and long. It requires removing the victimhood cloak and burning it. Once I started concentrating my energies inside of me, began meditating earnestly, decided to allow the infinite to guide me through and change my old habits my world opened up like a flower. I won’t even sugarcoat it, that was the hardest period of my adult life. Things fell apart yet my baggage become lighter.
I wasn’t a victim of anything other than myself but the good news is, it’s within my power to change it. Self -care without full commitment to change yourself , undo your belief systems and lettting go is only short lived. Protect your energy fiercely. Choose where you direct your attention. Self-analyze your inner needs towards you. Refuse to participate in anything dramatic, crazy and demanding. Let go of things and people with understanding that they too are lost, trying to find their way back home. Accept you really can’t change many percieved battles going on in the world today. And in most cases reactionary stance is still a position of victimhood.
Things have to change therefore be brave.
Take your power back.