When we expect people to change for us.


Our pop-culture and conditioning seems pretty cool in movies and television but in real life it’s so dysfunctional. When it comes to different forms of relationships we display different levels of dysfunction.

I have been in that place myself without self-awareness. When people act in a way that displeases me and I feel they need to change for me since they love me or they have a certain agreement with me which states failure to conform will mean the end of the relationship. Or the beginning of suffering.

If only he/she would stop making me mad and angry. If only they would stop making me feel insecure by their phone behaviour. If only they would come home earlier.  We assume they are supposed to love us because they chose us. We expect our supposed friends to show up and be supportive. If only he could stop doing certain things then we wouldn’t be in this bad position.

Before I understood the dynamics of such interactions my entire world, culture, sorrounding and media was about me and others trying to force change either to gain acceptance, be accepted or appease ourselves. Nobody makes you anything.  Nobody makes you mad or jealous or angry or insecure. You are already mad, jealous, insecure and angry. These persons are only putting you in a position where these emotions play out as you freak out and act out. We all have these emotions and they are not wrong as they are but since they really don’t propell us towards self-love and healing, we have work to do.

I have always felt very disempowered during those moments I expected people to change for me. I raged because I felt rightious and afraid to face my own expectations. I was acting from a place of powerlessness.

I learnt that not only does that behaviour mean I had given away my power but also refused to take responsibility for myself and what I allow contact with. Life is not easy admittedly and learning that is a process that can get quite dark. We learn from childhood that people have to be twisted and modelled to be a certain way and while we do it we suffer extensively. We manipulate people to change too which quite frankly is exhausting.

Expecting lovers to change and be a certain way to suit our agreement or needs means we have stepped out of our power to make informed loving choices both for us and them and we are afraid of facing responsibility in accepting we can’t change others. Above all it directs us towards the personal change needed within us and personal responsibility to deal with the situation. Blame lies at the top of this dysfunction. If I can’t deal with the issue at hand it’s easier for me to ask my significant other to change and scream a list from here to Timbuktu of blame and things they are doing wrong. Blame is such a low vibrational place that really makes us feel shitty and look crazy y’all!

Whenever we neglect self-responsibility and push it towards others we refuse to make our own independent choices concerning the change we expect and want. We are powerless. Being powerless puts you in a place where you are vulnerable in a very naked way that allows abuse, emotional turmoil, fear of loss or confrontation and suffering.

Whenever we push and force change on others we are neglecting ourselves. We are forgetting our path is personal and vibrational. We are abandoning ourselves and focusing on others. We are Refusing to accept the shift we need to make for ourselves and allow others to walk their path. Even within marriage when we expect our partners to stop drinking, stop cheating and stop lying and force change we know deep down we are fighting a battle we will lose. We will lose not only since we really can’t change people unless they want to but also because we have abandoned ourselves while we refuse to take self-responsibility.


Self-responsibility isn’t cute. It’s hard because it might mean things we are not ready to confront. It might mean being alone. It might mean owning up to our own contribution to our suffering and it might mean the beginning of the end.

It is harrrrrd.

We have to understand that even though others might act in unloving ways just as we have done as well at some point, they are on their paths towards self-awareness. Their path is their responsibility not yours. You are responsibile only for yourself and you are better off allowing people to walk their paths and not allowing their paths to impact on you negatively or disempower you. Being in harmony with yourself and alignment with your higher self will give you enough grace to allow and enough power to step back and reclaim yourself instead of forcing others to do anything to make you feel better.

You have to stand back in your power and authority as a higher being and allow room for the spirit of God through others to experience itself. Allow people to make their own mistakes without dragging you with them.

The question is; what does expecting others to change mean for you?

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I am a Kenyan woman who enjoys writing and vlogging about the Kenyan feminist issues while fusing dreams into stories related to the kenyan culture.

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