I have always felt lost. I have never belonged anywhere. To me the sense of belonging has meant nothing but a fleeting desire to move and change almost too often than I would like to admit.
As a girl child I knew right away that certain cultural expectations of me would never happen. I would for instance never marry within my culture or even without it apparently and if I did it certainly would not be the highlight of my life. I have never dreamt of my wedding day. For years I struggled with why marriage should be important but I certainly tried everything to escape living the lives of women in my community. I succeeded in finding my truth. A long journey that that has taught me a lot.
However 2018 har been the most profound year of my life as a person. Things changed so much. It seems like turning 37 years old is a new beginning and a return to God and myself.
Astrology is seemingly new to me yet I find so much guidance and revelation in it. I have my north node in the first house and I must concentrate on developing my own independent self in this lifetime. And this I have had tremedous fear of even though life has forcefully pushed me towards this direction. I have always been independent so I thought until I looked back. My independence was a protest rather than a desire to follow my innermost whispers. Everything has led me towards developing the self.
Early childhood abandonement, family disconnection, early death of parents, a lot of loss and hardships. Every road led me towards myself and God. Clearly I wasn’t going to have success in relationships in my early years and no matter how much I wanted to settle down I knew my short attention span and restlessness was a way to steer me towards an effort to develop myself. Had I know this earlier perharps I would not have resisted my journey and wallowed in victimhood, anger, failure, a divorce and pain. Fast forward everything was a journey towards me. I am trying to learn my lessons later in life.
It’s never too late.
Another part of my north node focus is body image and appearance. I can’t say I am obsessed with my body and appearance but I certainly am grateful for the provisions of the first house. My birth mark right in the middle of my nose. I have a vitality in my body and soul that I am grateful for. Looking young is the luck I have in this lifetime. Appearances are however just a projection of my real self and my soul expansion has been powerfully impacted especially early this year.
With the north node in the 1st house, I have a very acute desire for things spiritual. I am ready to discover the God in me. I quit the church at the age of 11. I could not relate. My father understood.
At this point I just want to be myself. My true self. Somehow that’s what I have been but with a lot of resentment and fear of going all the way. I am strongly opposed to following paths others create for me.
It makes sense that the issues of the 7th house have been boring to me or even straight up dysfunctional. I understand why I really enjoy alone moments and why many friends and family exhaust me. In a culture where marriage, family and love is important, it gets very difficult with these placings. You kinda know and feel that deep down that path does not really resonate. I might want love and marriage yet would rather die than be tied down in one place, one lifestyle, one way of being. I am certainly in the process of finding total peace with who I am. As I works through my identity issues there is a possibility to have relationships or partnerships which are fulfilling yet untraditional. Freedom is one of the biggest desires of my soul.
I am a person trying to find myself and God. And letting it be. A very current theme of my present life. Don’t fight for it, don’t fight against it and don’t fight with it. Flow!
Returning back to be me in a much more cognizant way is beautiful. Having this place in Cancer has revealed to me that despite finding the self an adjustment is needed when it comes to domesticity and motherhood or working with children. That’s where I need to find balance. I am finally going back to the classroom where I belong. Such very conflicting placings.
Nobody said it would be easy but as long as I offer no resistance and let it be, we are making progress.