Online relationship auditions

 

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I have quit online dating for good. Mostly because I am much more understanding of myself right now, have no time to waste perusing through and swiping left all day and I am getting new insights about love and relationships as my belief systems change and I regain back my divine masculine which is about self-sufficiency, self-assertiveness, emotional balance, objectivity, taking responsibility for my personal happiness, forgiving my dead-beat father and baby-daddy, deconstructing my conditioning, reason and logic. And then incorporating my divine feminine which is about intuition, healing my childhood trauma and abandonment issues,  patience, nurturing myself, wisdom and expression. It’s a process that introduces you to new experiences and insights day by day.

I must admit my desire to date and go online has always been fueled by a certain urgency to find love from another and not completely being fully anchored into myself. The belief that my life is fine but it will be great with love from a man is laughable. Thinking that I have to help the universe help me. Deep down I always knew the error of my ways. Finally I have come to understand myself better, gained a whole new layer of trust in God and quitting the matrix games. Learning about the placings of my north and south nodes in astrology has opened up a new revelation about my connection with others and focus in this lifetime.

The Venus retrograde has put me on spot with deeper evaluations and massive downloads. It’s a difficult process that introduces one slowly to rare truth gems and gradual clarity bombs.

I am done auditioning online and meeting people who are also auditioning hoping you are good enough for them, if you have what they are looking for or if you are the right candidate for completing them. The apathy of options online is a paradox of choices.

There is nothing to look  and search for. I have always known this yet I foolishly went that way. Things got shaken for me to come to that realization. It’s likely that most people feel frustrated with online dating and to be honest even after a few years if you go back you start remembering the same old faces.  A majority of people don’t get what they are looking for simply because you can’t look for something you really have no control over, something you don’t possess yourself and you are already complete. You don’t need to spend a good chunk of your valuable time trying to play roll the dice. Forget the damn scammers and predators for a moment.

There is NOTHING to look for or find.

 

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But of course every contact serves a purpose.  Mostly karmic relationships that drag you down the mud so that you can actually learn important lessons, heal yourself and be totally comfortable in your aloneness with positivity rather than resentment. Again it’s ok to feel lonely but I am looking back and realizing that being my own company and not depending on others is a step towards self-reliance in or out of a relationship.

The dating auditions put you on blast,  triggers your fears and brings out in either persons some old childhood neglect and abandonment issues if not dealt with earlier. I think dating as a whole, relationships and partnerships are acts of bravery we hope will end in trophies. Those old issues will manifest in forms of push-pull behaviour, fear of flowing through the date, coming on hot and then cold, disappearing after creating connections or simply pretensious connections.  Whatever it is, it’s not personal. Most people including myself aren’t really relationship material.  We carry a lot of heavy burdens and tremendous sense of loss and lack.  We are much more afraid of successful relationships than failure. We are not ready to surrender ourselves to ourselves leave alone to others. We neglect ourselves but audition others to accept us.  We still have old ways of seeing others and have amassed a whole mountain of expectations and ideals which prevent truthful sharing.

 

I am speaking for myself and my experiences.

I suppose online drama can’t be avoided until we work on our belief systems about relationships and love, cultivate self-reliance, connecting to the source within, heal childhood pain that pushes us towards desperately seeking others to fill our empty cups. Learning to trust the universe for our needs and connections. Learning to do things that excites you and gives you alone times with yourself.

Learning to let people come and go. Accepting that you are a gift to others and so are others a gift to you. Learning to always act with integrity. To allow the flow to meander on it’s own whether it fills or dries up.

The desire to partner up is totally normal.  It however has to come from a place of honesty, love, compassion, healing, care and not from fear of loneliness, childhood neglect and abandonment issues. We have to be ok with or without a relationship.

 

Her: What are you looking for?

Me: Signs of my sins

 

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I am a Kenyan woman who enjoys writing and vlogging about the Kenyan feminist issues while fusing dreams into stories related to the kenyan culture.

2 thoughts on “Online relationship auditions

  1. Thanks for this post, I found it lovely, thoughtful and honest. I have been falling in and out of online dating for years and I suppose the fact I haven’t met anyone that special in that time suggests that perhaps it hasn’t worked for me. I guess the ease of it and the feeling that you potentially have access to so many (potentially) lovely people is what kept me going back. But ultimately I just don’t think it is for me.

    Like

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