I used to think that I was balanced and that I would only need to find the right things, the right people, the right place and I would be fine. Back then, I was sure that home waited for me somewhere. Somewhere magical.
Yet I still wander.
I think I was born to wander. I think people like me do not have it in us to stick around way too long for our roots to dig deep. We wander far hoping some day we will find our pack and settle down like everyone else. Knowing deep down that there is absolutely nowhere to settle down because it’s not in us. It’s just not us!
Perhaps we aren’t just wanderers but also prisoners. Prisoners locked in a jailhouse who can only be moved to another jailhouse.
Perhaps the hardest part about this realization is the fact that I wished I could settle.
The thought of settling down gives me jitters as well as angst. I don’t think I could stay in one place for far too long.
I get bored pretty quickly with a job, a relationship, a hobby, a home or anything. I acknowledge that now. I see it and somehow understand the alignment of the stars when I was born. Rahu in first house, salute.
I am learning to cure my restlessness. I am learning to fully accept I am restless. I was meant to be restless. But I was born stubborn. I was meant to learn how to stop running and breath. I was meant to master my restlessness and honor it. There is nothing to run around for. That truth gives me joy.
There is nothing to fight and struggle towards or against.
There is just being.
I am learning to be a lot more patient and accepting of myself and others even at moments that trigger every bone in my body. I am learning to simmer down and lay still. I am learning to trust the universe for much more than the illusion of life. I am learning to wander within, a step at a time.
I am wandering.
I am learning. Learning to wander.