Letting go and letting God.

 

 

“Life and love generate effort, but effort will not generate them. Faith in life, in other people, and in oneself is the attitude of allowing the sponteneous to be sponteneous,  in it’s own way and it’s own time”  Alan Watts

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I talk of surrender and allowing the natural process to occur yet I recently found it very hard to arrive at that place without a certain level of struggle. I was wrong to think I could possibly go from point A to Z without any level of pain, anger, love, bitterness, shock, respect, hope and even a little contempt bubbling alternatively inside me. In one moment I was brave and in another weak.

I think I felt a certain level of shame admitting to myself that despite learning to observe life, I am still human and subject to human emotions. I have to admit to myself that the 10 steps forward just lept back 5 steps. The process isn’t rigid or clear.  I am learning to let go of shame too. God can have it, it’s a heavy burden I would rather not carry.

Surrender in theory is way easier.  In practice it’s a struggle that requires divine intervention. I am learning to pray. To ask for help as I surrender. Clearly I need it.

An incident recently put me up for a test I thought I was beyond.  Here I was, seeing emotions boil up my chest, my patience waning and being forced to rethink love beyond the physical realm of understanding others choices and processes. It made me see myself with compassion before I could see another. It made me see where another’s process interjects with mine and how much space I needed to hold for myself first and for another. I didn’t feel a sense of abandonment or judged myself harshly.  I possibly could not have done it any other way.  I guess that makes 1 more step ahead. 😂

I will say this:  nothing really is personal.

Nothing is personal. It’s not always about you. Or even them. It’s not about victimhood and blame or entitlement. It’s life. And life does it’s own dance.  It creates It’s own path. Things happen because within the dust lies gems. There is something of value for you. A revelation,  a truth,  a lesson and a come back to the trust of the source and self. It’s just but an illusion. Two months, years or decades you won’t even remember what it was all about.

Everything is exactly as it should be.

I could have easily questioned another’s choices but I didn’t.  It doesnt matter who did what and why.  I can’t get peace from clarity and closure.  I can’t twist events to suit me. I can’t be attached to any outcome.  I can let go and let God.

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Relationships however brief shake the core of our beliefs about love. They teach us things we would otherwise assume we learnt. They put into practise the lessons learnt. Patience, compassion, forgiveness, understanding for the other and patience, truth, acceptance and emotional intelligence for the self. They teach you above all else that only love from within and from the source is the purest form of love there is. They shake the very foundation of disney world love and force you to embrace a love beyond make-believe culture. They force you to draw from within an inspiration to love regardless of the situation.

 

Only that which wants to stay stays.  That bird wanting  badly to fly, release it. Let it go and hopefully it will patch where it’s drawn. Another bird will hopefully come by to listen when you sing. Or maybe not. It doesn’t matter.

 

 

For me truth is knowing that you cannot control anything, anyone else’s actions and certainly can’t choose which demons will rear their heads during a break up, a ghosting, a falling out, a separation or a conflict. You can however choose the path of non-reaction, observation, sitting with the feelings of confusion, shame, blame to self and another until it passes on to love, compassion, understanding and eventually indifference.  Until then your judgement is clouded and you might do something you may forever regret.

Isn’t life just amazing when you look back after it’s all over?  When you can breath again and understand everything is a gift to be cherished. That hug, that kiss, that marriage and that chance was a moment of  precious truth to be appreciated and eventually be waved away with rainbows or be kept safely as beautiful memories.

Forever grateful and gracious may we always be and where we fail and miss a beat may we graciously  be forgiven.

 

Amen!

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I am a Kenyan woman who enjoys writing and vlogging about the Kenyan feminist issues while fusing dreams into stories related to the kenyan culture.

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