As I discover my spiritual journey I have to check myself all the time. I have learnt that I possibly can’t rely on anyone else’s interpretations of anything.
Positive thinking is great but it’s not working for me. I have been informed of several reasons it doesn’t work for just me. One reason is that perhaps I am not positive enough. Perhaps I focus alot more on the negatives or perhaps I am not really awake enough.
In truth it’s not that simple.
Thinking in itself is depressing and burdensome. My mind is tired of the monkey mind. Thoughts whirling all day long. Even positive thinking and beautiful thoughts exhaust the hell out of me. I don’t want to think anymore. I don’t want to think of good things and I certainly don’t want to think of bad things.
I think the culture of positive thinking is a sham. It’s escapist. It’s damaging in the long run because we are not just made of beautiful things only. We are made of both good and bad. We are made of light and darkness. We are everything and by refusing to acknowledge the emotions we brand bad, evil, shameful and unnecessary we are bypassing true discovery of the self. We refuse to confront those emotions. There is nothing much to do but to honor them. Honoring those random bad thoughts as well as we honor the good ones.
Honoring the unwanted thoughts means going back to them as they arise and observing them or indulging in them without reacting in the physical world.
When things happen that bring back memories of pain, hurt or sadness we either refuse to see them without bias or we engross ourselves deeply in them and allow them to define our realities.
Allowing thoughts to flow is cool. Allowing them to define us is not so cool.
I have observed over the past few months how my thoughts of which I define as my own really aren’t mine. In the general sense of the world they arise from my culture, my conditioning, my schooling, my parents and family. They tell me what I should do or should not do. All day long they run amok. Even positive thoughts are a distraction.
Are my thoughts really mine or something/someone is running behind the control? Is my body function coupled to my thought process? Do I allow my thoughts to define me?
What would I be like if I didn’t have to think random thoughts?
These are probably very silly rhetorical questions. However when I meditate I realize I am free. I am not participating in the whirling wind of thought. I am not in control but neither am I out of control. I observe and as I go deeper they fade. I float. I love that feeling of ecstasy and euphoria. It’s calming and beautiful. It separates me from thoughts. It feels distant and very far away.
I think I might never beat the monkey mind completely. Atleast not in this life.
When the creation energy shakti moves within me, I feel the bliss and the monkey mind is lulled. A beautiful state of no thought has helped me to stay calm but I certainly lose my shit when I need to and when I need to let out whatever is within. Usually not my proudest moments but I am done attaching shame to my emotions.
Practically I am good but I am also bad. Just like everyone else. Anyone refusing to acknowledge this is a fool and a liar.
Positive thinking doesn’t stop life from taking you where you should go. Positive thoughts don’t shield you from the triggers and the healing required. Positive thinking is great but largely won’t do much. Life will happen because life is a series of events and action. Cause and effect. If you sleep longer you will wake up refreshed. It just works like that. If you don’t you will experience fatigue.
Most importantly teaching myself to meet life as it meets me has so far worked. I got a traffic ticket last week and the first thing i felt was anger. I was pissed off but I simply refused to indulge in an obviously useless emotion. I was going to exorbitantly pay the fine whether I allowed the emotion to take room or not. In the end, I am learning that we can let go of thoughts even positive ones and bliss the hell out. That life will still take what it needs to heal us. Life will still happen. Choosing which thoughts suit us will never let life leave us alone as long as we are here. Our purpose is to learn from life. The same assumption that if you become religious or spiritual only good things will happen to you is to say the least false. That bad things only happen to bad people. We ask why us and why not them. What you have to learn is your own school. The ego tells us we are good, we are better therefore deserve only goodness. The ego is tripping . And it will lie to you until your reality changes for good or for worse. And like seasons there is a time for harvest and for planting. Seasons for abundance and for lack. Seasons come and go. The wheel rolls.
The thing to learn perhaps is how we meet life when things happen. Do we stay neutral and observe life when things happen or we fall over? Do we notice we really have no hand in life? Who is in control? Certainly not me!
I think total surrender to experience thoughts and to be thougtless is important.
By consciously breathing in and out, we focus on our breath rather than our thoughts. Being here and now allows us not to wander to the ifs, I-wish-I-knews, worry over uncertain futures and the past we left behind. Momentarily indulging in those is ok. You just can’t wish things away with positive thoughts.
But the million dollar question is; if we can, can we observe without those thoughts triggering our bodies and mind to reaction?
Can we observe and let be?