Gratitude for toxic people?

 

Narcissism.jpgI never thought I would be able to appreciate the the role played by the so called belief systems, influencing cultures and toxic people in my life until today.

After contempleting deeply how the past few months rather past year has been, questioned my emotions and their validity and my own ability to shift from victimhood to aggressor back and forth, I am left with some unpleasant realities. And truth.

It may sound like victim blaming, in this case myself, but I certainly think it’s more than that. When unpleasant situations occur our first instinct is always to point out how the situation has hurt us, who has hurt us and eventually what we are going to do about it. That’s valid. Today I affirm the experiences as a school of lessons that had to happen.

 

It’s very ironical that every relationship and contact I have had, was and  still is an affirmation of my growth despite of whether it is/was positive or negative. Every single happening including life itself, place of birth, my family, contacts and socia-cultural settings are always leading me to my heaven. And my hell!

It is with remarkable wonder how every stage of my life has handed me down almost always simillar lessons with different experiences and teachers.

The teachers by no means mean easy but in most situations very damaging, confusing and hard to recover from.  Life sometimes hands us very difficult experiences and I am in no way diminishing anyone’s experience here. I should  by now be empathic enough to understand.  I can not claim experiences that aren’t my own. I honor even the process of others.

Within my own experiences, today feels like I can accept the lessons. I can let go of blame and I can show gratitude for the abandonment, broken promises,  childhoood hurt, lack, motherhood mistakes, false perceptions of love and life, my own aggression and the hurt I have caused myself and others. The first instinct coming to me right now is to defend my honor and excuse myself.  I won’t do that.

Likewise I won’t continue holding on to my experiences or the need to relieve others of theirs. It’s easier to want to help all the time to escape from helping the self. I have been distracted from confronting myself several times to rescue people from themselves while I am drowning myself .

I am specifically drawn towards examinimg myself under the covert narcissistic experiences I have had. I am left with conclusions that every trigger was to help me grow and not question if I was worthy or not, if I was crazy or not. Instead understand and accept that I might have or might not have been either or both and that too is okay.  The shame related to the rising emotions is now discarded. People and situations that tell you you are bad, not good enough or limited must be examined carefully without bias. It could be a projection of either persons which leads conclusively to one thing: it doesn’t fucking matter! Nothing really matters. Choosing to live in true love guides us through. The rest doesn’t matter.

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Even though the experiences led to deep undignified feelings of limitation, uncomfortable emotions,  I can see that it was truthful and eventually very fruitful.

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I can not control others, their choices or belief systems under which they govern their lives but I have the power to not let another take me out of my element. Many times I have been removed from my element.  I have either done it to myself or it’s totally been outside of my power. The biggest lesson here is it doesn’t matter even when I might feel at the moment that it does.

When the lessons are learnt the relationships end. School has time out too.

Relearning to regain that power is the new lesson in class. And to look back at the experiences and teachers with gratitude if at all at this point in moment I cant see or feel love for them!

For a long time, I didn’t know exactly what was happening or what was to be learnt.  Regardless I feel the lessons were learnt. It’s the progression to the purging.

Appreciating the teachers is still hard but I can be grateful. Without those people, there would not be the new me. Toxic people taught me how to fight,  how to speak up, when to let go and perhaps above all taught me to love myself more. Ultimately, they taught me how take responsibilty for my own life.

The next integration is within.  The surface has led to the deep.

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I am a Kenyan woman who enjoys writing and vlogging about the Kenyan feminist issues while fusing dreams into stories related to the kenyan culture.

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