I want to desperately believe that one day, many years from now that observing life without exerting any force to it was the best choice I ever made.
Right now, it feels like very little is happening and that little is enough. You see I decided to go back to school, eat way less, dress up more, run and breath more. Observe life doing me as it pleases.
I am letting go of the illusion that I have control of my life. My waking life is without a doubt flowing without notice. I have to forget about space time modalities. Space time in itself is depressing because I get the impression time is running out, I am missing out on life changing events, my clock is ticking, my love life is dying( in all faireness none of that was real but my own belief that it was)
Space time scares the shit out of my material physical self. My spirit self is saying breath everything will fall into place, you are here, have always been here, you are more than who you think you are. My mind insists, damn it, do, do and do more. The spirit responds: Chill!
My spirit self is challenging my material self to let go of beliefs, to quit doing, to stop seeking, to end desire and to stop fighting. The war is hard and the only way to win is to let it flow. It’s very lonely and the truth of the matter is it’s a lonely journey. Nobody can walk it for me!
But what about my life, what about my dreams, what about anything I ever wanted? What about the big L? Will accomplishing my dreams, getting things fulfil my spirit? Something tells me I am a fool. Something tells me nothing material can fulfil my spirit. And I have to be grateful for the simple accomplishments the spirit has nurtured me through. I have to nurture the spirit back and I have to nurture my body before I can get the responce.
I am not running away from healing. I sense I am running away from the breakage. The breakage of my belief systems, the breakage of old trauma, pain and anger. To be broken so I can learn to trust and have happiness within no matter what’s happening around me! To be broken enough to forgive myself and others. How can I break free from 35 years of conditioning and believing? How is that even possible? How is it even possible to acquire no new beliefs? To breath in and out? To disengage? To bring to surface things I would rather forget!
Awakening is hard. I have to change how I view the process. I need to bliss out more often. I need to run more and be with nature more often. Soul expansion is without a doubt a race with difficult terrains.
Mother goddess stay with me and never let me go! I surrender all control! I am breathing in and out! As I do what I got to do. I trust.