I used to be so angry. I was frustrated with life and with myself. Internally I was wallowing in raging emotions, broken promises, fears, insecurities, loneliness and to say the least my life was chaotic.
We are here to face ourselves, find our way back to us and God, heal ourselves and go through the chaos if not with grace atleast with perseverance. Perhaps the most difficult thing is to accept we are chaotic and instead of turning our backs to ourselves, we have to be ok with the chaos.
Chaos are physical, mental and emotional manifestation of internal pain and wounds.
Many a times, it’s the breakdown of ideas, social conditioning, cultural, topographical ideals we have built up to define who we are.
Deep down these beliefs only direct us towards a certain way of being, group think and behaviour. We might want to believe we are our gender, our tribe, our race, our culture and our nation but deep within us we just want to explore life in every possible way.
We just want to experience.
We want to experience life without pre concieved ideas of who we are, how we should be and how we should behave.
I think for me the old anger stemmed from my culture and society trying to define what womanhood is and how I should be plus who I should aspire to be.
The process of freeing myself from those chains was very painful, irritating and rigorous because I actually believed the outward world could define me and I had to comply. Even though I didn’t have to comply I had to fight. So I fought.
Someone should have told me I didn’t have to fight nor did I have to believe in combat. What the culture believes of me isn’t my personal perspective, concern or reality. I don’t have to live as everyone else..
Once I accepted that others can think whatever they want, create whatever rules they want, play group think like zombies, tell me what should be of me, I learnt I didn’t have to accept it or fight it. I didn’t have to respond or follow. I didn’t have to play any games with useless rules.
It’s 2018! Nobody is going to marry me forcefully, nobody is going to tell me what to do with my life or how to live it. Simply put I am my own path finder.
Healing came the moment I stopped resisting and decided to rest. To show compassion for myself and others, to not allow people, society to project onto me their internal chaos within. I took back my power to define myself and to love myself completely.
I healed many old wounds that came to the surface. There is very little I am afraid of. I don’t fear being lonely,being hungry, being me, being lost, being rejected, being loved, being ignored, being accepted and I certainly don’t fear group think reaction.
I refuse to give to others what I don’t want to receive myself. I want to love everyone and everything eternally, show gratitude and appreciation for life in all it’s forms.
Healing removes anger and frustration. Instead it plants love and a curiosity of sorts. You learn to trust the process and you learn to observe your emotions and internal chaos. You learn to rest. Chaos never go away but you cope. You learn to respect chaos within and learn to contain them without.
You let fear come and go without ever being drowned into it completely. You learn to trust yourself and show compassion for yourself. You learn to observe others make rules for you that are meaningless then you accept it’s not really about you. It’s their own internal chaos. You learn to have compassion even for them.
You grow. You become fluid. Easily you learn to surrender to the flow.