I have been on the social collective of womanhood for a long time. Sometimes I have felt so powerful and yet powerless. The collective pain of women is huge. It’s boiling and has been overflowing for far too long. Just as it should.
Collective anger is great. It’s helps us indentify with one another as women and allows us to be real and really angry. When I started speaking out, I didn’t use words. I ran away from the collective expectation of womanhood, I cut off people that tend to ask me why I couldn’t marry and when I did why I couldn’t stay married. I cut off people that are so scared of owning their own truth and who keep forcing it on me instead. I refuse to take advice on my personal life and reality from anyone else than myself. So I left the collective responsibility and ran. I successfully completed that process. I found my truth away from home.
What I didn’t find away from home was the broken fragments of my early life. I was still broken, still angry, still needy. Being needy in a way that I didn’t appear needy left me making poor choices. The poor choices had everything to do with societal expectations and not my own experience. Nobody told me it was ok to be needy. Everyone pretends to not be needy yet most of us deal with abandonment, suppressed emotions, traumas and as women a lot of pain from being modelled, remodeled, fixed, unfixed and asked by the collective society to live one narrative. We are all needy. And it’s ok to recognize that and realise that we all deal with that differently and at different levels.
When we are needy we tend to attract the same in others. In matters of friendships, relationships or even experiences. We tend to focus so much on romantic relationships as a way to cope. We refuse to acknowledge that our source of pain are only duplicated in our romantic relationships. I am personally dealing with that by finding beautiful and worthy relationships that aren’t romantic and sexual. Only needy can recognize needy without our awareness. It always ends up the same way. Tragic. Needy can’t support needy.
I am needy. And I am angry. The collective is great, like said above but it’s also time to deal with the personal. Self improvement sucks. Focusing on the personal sucks too because you have only you. Yet, it’s necessary and beneficial. I am trying to heal my neediness and trying to unearth the supressed emotions and also recognising them in others.
A break from the collective is working well for me right now. I don’t miss y’all (wink) but I am sitting more with myself, enjoying my company and bringing to the surface all the emotions, the pain. Sometimes I can’t even identify the emotions. It hangs heavily on my chest usually when I am in the bathtub, too heavy I can’t breath. Too painful I can feel it slicing me into pieces. I would have pushed it away before and focus it on the good things but now I leave it. I breath long breaths and feel it come and go. I am here. That’s all that matters. I am a ball of many things. Rage, pain, rejection and yet I am a bubbly ball of energy, fire, love and healing.
I honor my personal journey just as much as I honor the collective journey. For now, it’s me. Just me. And it’s personal.